A Fresh Start

Tomorrow is a big day, but getting here hasn’t been easy. This week has felt like a tug-of-war with myself, and honestly, the year so far has been anything but smooth. I’ve been unmotivated, emotional, and struggling to find my rhythm, and maybe even myself. Lately, I’ve been having a hard time showing up on time. Some mornings, I walk into work feeling behind before the day has even started, running 30 minutes late, sometimes an hour. It’s not just frustrating; it’s disheartening because this isn’t the person I want to be. But no matter how much I want to break the cycle, I feel stuck, like I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

It’s not entirely about her. She’s still on my mind, constantly. The ache isn’t as sharp anymore, but it lingers, like a shadow I can’t quite shake. I’m trying to be kinder in my thoughts about her, remembering the good times we shared. But sometimes, that kindness cracks, and resentment seeps in. I think about how she left, knowing everything I was going through, knowing everything I’ve dealt with. I feel betrayed. Yet, as soon as those unkind thoughts arise, I catch myself. I don’t want to let bitterness consume me. I don’t want to remember her with doubt or anger because, regardless of what happened, I still have feelings for her. She was a part of my life that brought me joy, and I want to hold onto that.

This week, though, there’s been progress, small, but progress nonetheless. I’ve started thinking about the gym again. The last time I went was three months ago, right after I started my current job. Back then, I was building a routine: once a week, then twice, then three times. And then everything just broke down, and I stopped.

Lately, I’ve felt drawn to the idea of starting fresh. There’s a new gym near my workplace, it’s been open for since September. It’s closer than my old one and has a vibe I like, moody, but not in a bad way. The space is dark, with vibrant pops of color that make it feel alive. It’s not crowded in the mornings, which suits me perfectly. There’s something about the atmosphere that feels... promising. A clean slate. And I need that.

Tomorrow, I’m taking the leap. I’m meeting with one of the gym trainers to set up a fitness program. I’ve been honest with him about where I’m at: my lack of sleep, my lack of motivation, and how I want to go three times a week but know I need to build up to it. It’s not just about the gym, though. It’s about tackling the loneliness and lack of purpose that I’ve been drowning in. It’s a step forward, even if it’s a small one.

Tomorrow is also the start of therapy with the NHS. The last time I was in therapy was about three months ago, but my therapist decided to open their own practice. Their rates were double what I could afford, so I stopped therapy altogether. I told myself it was just a break, but the truth is, I didn’t want to go through the hassle of finding someone new.

Now, I feel ready to go back. There’s so much inside me that I’ve never really talked about, especially to do with Aleks. I think it’s time to tackle those feelings. I’m a little nervous about saying everything out loud, but I need this. I need to talk, I need to talk about the relationship we had, and how much the break up has, and is affecting me. I’ve reached out to Aleks a couple of times, texts, emails, but I've had no response. I know she wants nothing to do with me. And that hurts. But if I’m ever going to move forward, I have to face it.

I think this therapy will be six sessions, but I’m not entirely sure. Depending on how it goes, I might consider going back to BetterHelp. If I do, I’ll be clearer in my expectations, letting them know I need someone committed to sticking around. The thought of starting over with a new therapist every few months is exhausting.

This week has had its ups and downs, something I haven’t felt in a long time. Usually, it’s just downs and more downs, bad days and really bad days. But this week, there were moments, brief, but real, where my anxiety wasn’t suffocating. Yesterday wasn’t one of those moments. Anxiety gripped me all day, and I ended up doing something I regret, something I know stems from my low self-esteem.

Still, I’m trying to focus on the steps I’m taking, however small they may seem. Tomorrow is a chance to turn the page, to start writing a new chapter. It’s not about fixing everything overnight but about building momentum, finding ways to move forward, even when it feels like the world is standing still.