The following is a letter to myself because I deserve kindness. If I can be kind to others, why can’t I extend that same kindness to myself?

Dear Frank,

I usually start letters or emails with, “I trust this finds you well or, I hope you are well.” But I know you’re not well, Frank. And I’m so sorry for not being there for you. Life hasn’t been easy, it’s been so tough. The last 18 months, especially, have been beyond words. To call it hell doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I’ve made apologies to Aleks, to my Mum, to the world, even for just being me. But the one person I’ve never apologized to, the one who deserves it most, is you.

I’m sorry, Frank.

I’m sorry for putting you through so much. I’m sorry for the toll it’s taken on your mental health, which in turn has hurt your physical health. That spiral of pain has driven you toward self-sabotage, or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, the truth is, you haven’t been okay for a long time, and I’ve failed in supporting you. 

What happened to you was unfair. But what’s even worse is how you’ve let the words and actions of others shape the way you see yourself. That ends now.

You need to believe this:

• You are not a bad person.

• You never hurt others intentionally.

You were caught in a situation that was out of your control. You were used and betrayed by people you trusted, and it broke you. You burned out. Your mental health suffered. And through it all, you didn’t know how to react ordeal with the situation. You did the best you could with the tools you had. You thought staying silent and holding it all in was protecting others. You acted out of love, Frank, but in doing so, you forgot to protect yourself.

It’s time to change that.

I know you’re carrying something heavy, something tragic. You’ve lost someone you loved deeply. She was beautiful, and your connection with her was profound. Her absence hurts every single day.

But Frank, remember this: the love you shared showed you what’s possible. Hold on to that love, not the pain. Remember the joy, not the anger or the loneliness. You are someone worthy of love, and you have so much of it within you.

So now, I need to ask you for a favor:

Stop punishing yourself.

Stop hurting yourself.

And stop sabotaging yourself.

Take each day as it comes, one small step at a time. And never forget:

You are an amazing person.

You always put others first, and that takes incredible courage.

But now, it’s time to put yourself first. It’s time to allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to heal.

You are allowed to cry.

You are allowed to hurt.

You are allowed to feel whatever you feel.

And most of all, you are allowed to love yourself. That doesn’t mean forcing yourself to go out, start dating, partying, or pretending to be joyful overnight, that’s not you, and it’s not what you need right now.

I know you’ve lost interest and motivation in so much, but let’s take a moment to acknowledge the achievements you’ve made, even if they feel small. Waking up. Taking a shower. Brushing your teeth. Combing your hair. Making the bed. Having your coffee. Getting yourself to work. Making dinner. Doing the laundry. Ironing your clothes. Reading. Watching a bit of TV. Journaling.

To others, these might seem like simple, everyday tasks. But for someone struggling with depression and anxiety, these are victories. Don’t forget that. Yes, there have been days when you’ve felt like giving up, days when you actually did. But you’ve kept coming back. You’re still working on your health, and that perseverance is another achievement.

Your actions are not the actions of someone who has given up. Even though it might feel that way at times, deep down, you want to feel joy and love again. It might take time to get there, but wanting it and taking the steps you are taking are powerful beginnings.

Now, I’ve asked you for a favor, and I’m going to make you a promise: I’m going to be there for you.

You’ve asked for help so many times, directly, indirectly, even through your body language. And I’m so sorry that no one has truly been there for you, especially me. It’s heartbreaking that you’ve had to face all of this alone. I know it saddens you that you don’t have friends right now and that the special connection you had with Aleks is gone. I am so, so sorry you’ve been carrying this all by yourself.

But Frank, you’ve made it this far and that is no small achievement.

Right now, I want you to stop and think about what you would say to someone whos going through this. You don’t have to think hard, you’ve done it for others before. You’ve sat with people you barely knew and helped them feel seen and supported.

So, what would you say?

You’d tell them. . . . tell you, take small steps. Because when you take those small steps and look back one day, you’ll see how far you’ve come. You’d remind them that rebuilding takes time. You don’t walk into a gym and start lifting 100 pounds on day one. You start with something light 10 pounds work with it for a while, then move to 25 and 35 and so on. Because that’s how you rebuild strength, little by little and that is what you're doing right now, building strength in moving forward.

Please be kind to yourself. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself. You’re not broken. You’re simply dealing with things no one should ever have to face.

And Frank, let me remind you of something you may have forgotten: You are kind, caring, creative, thoughtful, and amazing. If others can’t see that, it’s their loss. You are the kind of person who truly cares and stands by others, even when it’s hard.

Now, it’s time to be that person for yourself, and I promise, I’ll be here for you, too.

Start with the basics:

• Prioritize a good night’s sleep, you deserve to wake up rested and ready to face the day.

• Speak to yourself with kindness. An inner critic can guide you, but a toxic critic only tears you down. Choose words that help you grow, not words that make you feel small.

• Reconnect with what you love. Take time to rediscover your interests, those little things that bring you joy. You love writing, so write. You have an eye for photography, so pick up the camera again. These are ways to express your soul and reclaim a piece of yourself.

• Carve out quality time for yourself. This doesn’t just mean being alone, it means truly looking after yourself. Do things that nurture you, whether it’s a walk, a good book, or simply sitting with your thoughts.

• Treat yourself. Weekly, fortnightly, monthly, it doesn’t matter how often, but it does matter that you do it. It could be a favorite meal, a small splurge, or even just taking time to savor something you enjoy.

Frank, this isn’t about fixing yourself, you’re not broken. It’s about remembering who you are and giving yourself the care you’ve so freely given to others.

You’ve already come so far. Keep going. I’ll be with you every step of the way.