I love my job, why do I feel anxious?

 It's been three weeks since I started my new job at the university, and everything is going well—in fact, too well. The first two weeks were intense with back-to-back training sessions and meetings, and I was trying to get up to speed on my work. However, everyone keeps telling me to take my time. They say it will take roughly a year before I fully understand what I'm doing. This surprised me because, in previous jobs, I was expected to be up to speed within four weeks, if that. Here at the university, they acknowledge that it's a lot to take on, and nobody expects me to know it all in a short time. Some people have been here for two years and still find things they didn't know. This has been reassuring because I really like this job, I believe in the long term, this job will benefit me emotionally. 

I finish work at 4:30, no one expects me to stay back. I don't work weekends, if I do work the weekend, I've been told it may be one or two in the year. I have a great team, I have plenty of support, and I'm involved in the mental well-being of students, faculty, and staff on campus. Part of my role as the Campus SIH Manager includes being the Deputy Safeguarding Officer and Disability Liaison Officer. Basically, this means I play a key role in developing and implementing well-being policies on campus, helping those who are in need.

This week, something strange happened. I managed to get through the mandatory training courses—roughly 30 in total—and the bulk of my on-the-job training. Even though I still have more to do, these have been scheduled in my calendar. The last two weeks have been quite intense, and since I've been doing some of the courses at home, I've been busy. Last Sunday, I completed the online courses and was very happy about that, but what happened Monday evening really surprised me.

It was a normal day at work, another day that I really enjoyed. It wasn't as intense as the last two weeks, and it felt like this would be the norm moving forward. I finished work at 4:30, made my way home, relaxed a little before making something to eat, and then around 6 or 6:30 pm, I started thinking about how calm and peaceful things were—no stress from work. It was completely the opposite of my last job, where for the last two years, I was under extreme pressure and stress, which led to burnout. As I was thinking about how relaxing things were, I started to feel anxious because things were so calm and relaxed. The last three weeks, I've been working in a peaceful, supportive environment, not a toxic, narcissistic, backstabbing one like the hotel was. 

My breathing got shallow, my chest felt tight, and I had a sense of dread surrounding me. My depression kicked in, and I was becoming anxious because my workplace is non-toxic, it sounds strange, and even stranger to say it out loud. But this is how I started to feel, and still do.

I needed to talk, but I had no one to turn to. Earlier that day at work, I was looking at the resources they provide for faculty and staff. The Employee Assistance Program (EAP) is part of the university staff's benefit package. The students of the university have their own support network, and as I mentioned, I play a role in that. EAP helps university members with mental health issues, providing counselling 24/7. If the issue is more serious, you can have a dedicated counsellor for 6 to 8 sessions. I thought about calling the number, but I hesitated because it was through my employer. I know it's confidential, but still, I have a question mark In my head.

I should mention that I haven't been sleeping well. Over the last two weeks, I have been waking up in the middle of the night, sometimes four or five times. I wake up between 2:45 and 3:30 and just stay awake. 

I think the new job, everything that's happening, and what happened with someone I was once close to has been on my mind and keeping me up. The next day at work, I was feeling somewhat rundown, showing symptoms of a cold for half the day. When I got home that evening, I once again started to feel anxious because I wasn't stressed. This time, I called the number. I spoke to someone about the issue, and they said that within the next 24 hours, I would get a call from a counsellor.

They called back the next day while I was at work. Originally, I planned not to stay on the phone for that long, but it turned into a 40-minute conversation where I explained that I was feeling anxious because I was working in a non-toxic environment and I was happy with my job. After the counsellor heard everything I had to say, she responded with the following:

She told me that for two years, I was constantly in a state of fight or flight due to the toxic environment I was in. Part of my brain is still in that state, and it will take time for it to recalibrate. She asked me if I have anyone to talk to, as this would help. I told her I don't have a support network; this was due to the toxic environment I was in. Sadly, I couldn't contain those emotions, and they spilled out onto the person I cared about. Now that person is no longer in my life. My apologies don't work, and I'm doing the best I can to rebuild my life. This job is a big part of that.

Here's what I can say about my job: for seven hours in the day, I feel good, I don't feel broken; I don't feel useless and my mind has something positive to focus on. But once I get home and enter a house that is silent and empty, those feelings disappear and I enter into a state of despair. All I can do is take one day at a time, understand that if I put the work in, things will get easier until they get better.